Going with my inner Buddha
I’m a big fan of the “and” philosophy. Meaning, any time I hear an “either/or” option coming, the wheels in my head are usually contorting the image into an “and” option.
Why not butter AND parmesan on my popcorn?
Why not gnocchi AND a milk shake?
Why not have sushi AND pizza for dinner?
Hmm, food seems to be a theme in my thinking.
It isn’t always that way – in business, too, I’m a fan of “And”.
Like, Why not a mobile device option AND opportunities to meet in person?
Sometimes there are caveats to the rule (I like caveats, too). Like, will it make me sick? Is death a possibility? Will my customers be confused, unhappy, or bored?
But, recently, a chain of personal events have made me question the value of “and”.
My sister is enduring and valiantly fighting a rare form of cancer – stage IV PNET Neuroendocrine carcinoma. AND, it’s throwing some really bad punches right now.
(2010) Me: on left Sis: wishing she still lived in San Diego where natural Vit D was more prevalent.
My parents are separating …. after 41 years.
My father’s mother is 96, and dying. AND, my aunt (his sister) passed away from cancer in July.
Not sure I want to add another AND to this list. So i’ll stop there.
Surprisingly, I feel a bit Buddha-like in all of this. A weird sense of calm. Through crocodile tears (do crocodiles cry?) yesterday I thought about this, and came to the conclusion, the desire for control and the realization that there is absolutely nothing I can do or control to change anything in all of these situations, was oddly comforting. It made me stop — and cry more.
The feeling of calm doesn’t lessen the grief. It just lessens the angst around “What if I…?” “What if they…?” “What can i do to…?”
I have given as much and wherever I can to my family. AND will always do so whenever they call on me for more love.
For now, and into the foreseeable future, I just lean into the discomfort and trust I’ll make it through.
Onward and upward, always.